Grrrr......

10 Things I Hate About Buenos Aires

10. One-way Streets: Every time you need to head down one way, you realize the street you happen to be on goes the other. Not so convenient in terms of public transportation.

9. The Food: It's fantastic, wonderful, amazing. And entirely of high-fat content. If I don't cut out the grandma-fueled binges, I'm going to weigh 300 pounds by the time I get back to L.A.

8. Mullets: They're everywhere. Men, women, children. No one is spared. Absolutely inexplicable. Ever wonder where the 80's went to die? Wonder no longer. They came here.

7. Diet Cults: Despite the aforementioned fantastic food, grown women still weigh about the same as the average American 14 year old. Fact--the Argentine government actually passed a law requiring clothing companies to manufacture "Large sized clothing," to combat the growing ranks of anorexic women. The large size? A 6.

6. Salespeople: There's a phenomenon here in which salespeople seem not to understand the fact that their job is, in fact, to sell. In the U.S., at least in most places I've been, salespeople are quite helpful and kind, even to the point of telling you you look fabulous in a fuschia taffeta dress. Granted, this might be a bit extreme, but it certainly beats the saleswoman here who looks at you as though answering a question is a large favor she has granted you, and looking for another size/color is absolutely out of the question. Oh, and by the way she says, that is definitely not your color.

5. The Weather: I have been spoiled greatly by the California sunshine. Which explains why I have such a hard time understanding the concept of rain in summer. And days when the weatherman tells you that it's 65 degrees outside, so you pack on the layers (or at least I do), only to find it feels closer to 85. Humidity? What's that?

4. Public Restrooms: Or rather, lack of public restrooms. I don't know if people here are taught from an early age to train their bladders to hold camel-sized amounts of liquid, or what exactly is going on, but there is a serious lack of public restrooms. And should you actually find one, don't expect anything other than a toilet. Paper is simply a luxury this country cannot afford. Toilet seat covers are up there with gold-rimmed faucets, i.e. only for those seeking the utmost in luxury.

3. The weird love/hate thing they've got going on for folks from the United States: Okay, now this is an odd one, because I fall on both sides. When I'm in the U.S., I tend to exaggerate the fact that I'm from Argentina. I think it's a way to try to remind myself of my roots, seeing as how I know so few Argentines there, and have so little contact with my own culture. But when I'm here, I suddenly feel like the odd "yankee" out. People want to know all about living in L.A., and what Tom Cruise is really like (aside from crazy and gay I don't really know), but then they delve right into political accusations and statements on how the imperialist Americans need to mind their own business. They seem to momentarily forget that Condi Rice doesn't ever ask for my opinion, probably because I didn't even vote for my current government. You know that weird phenomenon where you can say horrible things about your family, but the second anyone else does, it's an immediate declaration of war? I guess this works the same way. Let me criticize the Bush administration, the heinous international politics, the trampling of our civil rights. But don't attack the country I call home. And by the way, let me criticize the Kirchner administration, the heinous dictatorial past of this country, and the trampling of civil rights, but don't ever attack the country I come from.

2. Smoke: It's everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Unlike Los Angeles, where smoking has been outlawed indoors, (and recently banned in the entire city of Calabasas), smokers here are free to puff away anywhere they please. In the movie theatre watching Derailed? The lady next to you can smoke her cigarrette in between hacking coughs. In a dressing room at the mall? You'll probably notice the waft of smoke climbing up your legs from the next dressing room over. Your first day of kindergarten? You'll notice your teacher holding finger paints in one hand, and a cig in the other. Well, not anymore. Two weeks ago the federal government finally passed laws prohibiting smoking on government property. This translates to the Senate, all representative offices, the DMV, and of course all public schools. Well, at least the pre-schoolers will breathe easy this week.

1. Government Bureaucracy: This is really enough to make a person go absolutely nuts, as documented (in serious length, which by the way I'm sorry about) below. Every time I have to face another one of these encounters, I just try to silently remind myself that at least the military dictatorship is over, and I'm not having to complete this transaction under the watchful eyes of armed military personnel.